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Mia and Parmesan

A Feature-Length Screenplay

Mia is a pudgy 5th grader with a penchant for gossip and neon tracksuits. Oh, and an emotional support chinchilla named Parmesan who goes everywhere with her. Mia only has one friend at school, Beth, but she’s pretty mean and usually ditches Mia for the cooler girls. It’s OK because Mia prefers to hang with the older ladies in town. At one of Mrs. Steinberger’s infamous Tupperware parties, Mia’s friend Deb pulls her aside to whisper that she’s in danger! Huzzah for some drama, since spying on class cutie AJ was getting pretty boring! The next day, Mia goes to meet Deb but finds only her abandoned bike in the woods. Where the holy heck is Deb? Can it be that a 12-year old and small rodent are the ONLY ones who can crack this case?  Also, when will Beth stop being such a bully? Who does AJ really have a crush on? And how does one stretch a very lame allowance to meet the ice cream needs of a growing girl?  It’s up to Mia and Parmesan to find out.


DEB
I’ve figured some things out, some scary things. About people we know- people we know and love and thought we could trust.

MIA
How about I come by the store later, we eat some gelato-

DEB
I’m on a diet and besides, I don’t feel safe at work.

MIA
Listen up, Deb. Meet me behind the bathroom shack at the lake at 3 o’clock on the dot.

DEB
Is it safe?

MIA
It’s a bathroom shack at a lake, Deb. Very few people bother to get out of the water, if you know what I mean. Plus, there’s usually an ice cream truck around then.

DEB
What?

MIA
Since we aren’t getting gelato.

DEB
Okay. Thank you, Mia. You’re the only one who gets it.

MIA
You’re welcome. And don’t forget-

Mia leans in close towards Deb.

MIA (CONT’D)
The ice cream truck is cash only.

Deb looks at Mia, confused.

MIA (CONT’D)
My allowance got taken away and I need a sweet treat in the afternoon.

DEB
Fine, just don’t be late. 


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Vegan Dad

A Short Play

Tensions rise during a long wait in the checkout line of the Trader Joe’s in Union Square.  Semi-famous food blogger “Vegan Dad” tries to flirt with the semi-impressed Jessica in front of him, while dodging judgmental comments from an Obnoxious Upper East-Side Mother from behind.  Just when he thinks things might be going his way with Jessica, he is forced to confront a line-cutting frenemy from his UPenn days… and basically all of his life choices.


VEGAN DAD
How are your kids, Tripp?

TRIPP
Bear is doing a summer camp at Dartmouth. My daughter, Lake, is at a camp in Nevada.

VEGAN DAD
Nevada? Why Nevada?

TRIPP
She would only eat those instant mashed potatoes for months. We tried everything.
Grounding her, screaming at her, locking her in her room with no electronics… Finally my
wife found this program.

OBNOXIOUS MOTHER
So, she struggled with an eating disorder?

TRIPP
She just needed to toughen up a bit.

JESSICA
Rehab for eating disorders can be really effective.

TRIPP
She’s not in rehab. She’s on a ranch.

VEGAN DAD
Like a relaxation retreat?

TRIPP
No, they teach kids to get back in touch with their survival instincts by making them hunt
and kill their own food.

OBNOXIOUS MOTHER
Oh my fucking god.

TRIPP
Deer. Buffalo. Wild hogs. She was hungry for the first few days…but then she got the
hang of it and now she’s shooting stuff left and right. She says it helps if she pictures my
face….Dear old Dad!

VEGAN DAD
Wow, Tripp, I really don’t know what to say. That’s, um. I mean, we’re in no place to judge your parenting.

JESSICA
(visibly upset) Um…

VEGAN DAD
To each his own. Right? A different cup of tea for everyone?

TRIPP
So Janica, what do you say? How does that lasagna date sound?

JESSICA
Jessica. Aren’t you married?

TRIPP
Yes I am… Jessica? Is that what you just said?

JESSICA
I have plans.

VEGAN DAD
I already told you she already told me she had plans.

TRIPP
My wife is at that spa in Holland where all they give you is laxatives and flax seeds.

JESSICA
I’m still not going to go out with you.

TRIPP
She’s literally sitting on a toilet for six weeks.

JESSICA
How does that change anything?

TRIPP
I thought it would make you easier to dismiss her as insignificant.

VEGAN DAD
Tripp, maybe you should just leave Jessica alone.

OBNOXIOUS MOTHER
She’s very clearly not interested in either of you.

TRIPP
What do even do? Live off your parents’ money?

JESSICA
I work for a non-profit.

TRIPP
So, that’s a yes.

OBNOXIOUS MOTHER
I used to work for a non-profit. Amnesty International? Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s the best one.

TRIPP
Before you met your husband?

OBNOXIOUS MOTHER
Well, yes, but I did really well while I was there.

TRIPP
Jessie here hasn’t found one yet. Getting a bit old to still be putting together goodie bags for fund- raising galas.

JESSICA
You’re an asshole.

TRIPP
What did you major in? Art History?

JESSICA
Gender Studies.

TRIPP
Welcome to the real world. You’re living off your parents money and working for a women’s charity until you find a man to take care of you because you literally just proved you can’t take care of yourself.

JESSICA
You know what? I’m trying my best here. It takes time.

TRIPP
Oh, come on. I’m sure you spend most of your time at the office editing your Match dot com profile.

JESSICA
Sorry for wanting a love life.

TRIPP
If all you wanted was a love life, you’d have that already. You want someone wealthy because you need to maintain your current lifestyle and your parents are getting tired of paying for your West Village apartment.

JESSICA
Oh, like you didn’t get a job on Wall Street from your connections. Daddy set you up?

TRIPP
Irrelevant. My economics degree is practical. Your Gender Studies degree is ironic.


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Iris

A Two Act Play

Everything changes for Iris when her best friend, Vivian, crawls through her window in the middle of the night seeking a pair of stockings for her sudden elopement.   Iris has tried and failed to imagine her life after high-school in this Utah mining camp, but at least she thought she would have Vivian by her side!  Iris’s older sister, Albena, has been planning her escape — working at the camp bar for years to save for college — but Iris knows that’s not for her.  She’s afraid to leave her mother alone with her abusive, alcoholic father for one thing.  And suddenly she’s got the attention of the most popular boy in school — the Mormon son of a mining company executive — someone Iris can’t even imagine bringing home to her family.  Could she make a life with him here?


Iris is working at the company store. Ben, the popular handsome boy, enters.
After some awkward small talk…

BEN
What’s this?

IRIS
A Remington Bolt Action Single Shot.

BEN
Single shot?

IRIS
It’s a young boys rifle. You don’t want that.

BEN
Wow, you sure do know your stuff. Say I’m looking to invest in a firearm, what’s your
advice?

IRIS
The gun you want depends on what you’re shooting with it. Clay targets at the fancy gun
club? I’d use the Winchester Over and Under. Rattlers? My personal favorite target. Or
squirrels for a stew? I’d use the Marlin 39-A Lever Action.

BEN
That all sounds too boring for me.

IRIS
Oh, I catch your drift. You need to be able to fight your way out of a bank heist gone
wrong!

She grabs a gun and dramatically points it at the door.

IRIS
Bam, bam, bam!

BEN
I can picture it right now. You’d make a great robber. No one would expect a thing.

IRIS
I’m perpetually underestimated. It’s my greatest weakness.

BEN
It’s not your weakness, it’s everybody else’s.

IRIS
That’s a nice way of thinking about it.

BEN
Which of these fine guns is your personal favorite?

She takes another gun down.

IRIS
This one right here. I’ve had my eyes on it for a while. Isn’t it beautiful?
Powerful, too. I’ll show everyone what I’ve got at the next shooting party.

BEN
You’re wild.

IRIS
Well.

BEN
I like it.


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Fat Kat

 

A Feature-Length Screenplay

Kat and Mikey meet at the first session of a weight loss support group in their suburban New Jersey town. It’s the summer before college and they’re both trying to make a drastic change. Their peppy trainer, Karen, guides them through meal plans and Zumba classes. Kat, an aspiring video game designer, feels like a the chubby black sheep in her family of athletes. Mikey’s Portuguese family, on the other hand, is confused by the concept of exercise.


Mikey and Kat sit at a hot dog joint, talking.

MIKEY
Was public school so awesome?

KAT
Oh yeah. There was a bomb threat
at prom. I was actually so happy. Leaving early.

MIKEY
My cousin Tiffany was my date. My mom and aunt gave
her twenty bucks to take pictures with me. Her
boyfriend picked her up after the first song.

KAT
No way.

MIKEY
I couldn’t even pretend she was my mysterious lady
friend. Everyone knew she was my cousin. She’s in
the grade below. We have the same last name.

Kat LAUGHS and dunks another fry into her milk shake.
TIME PASSES

MIKEY
My first, and only, kiss was a dare. Not like a flirt-y dare. A revenge dare. It was like, “Nina made me swallow a goldfish…”

He points across the room.

MIKEY
“Strange Mikey! Get over here!” I’d just eaten a
tub of spicy queso dip in the corner alone so my
breath was scary bad.

KAT
The last person I kissed made me promise
not to tell anyone.

MIKEY
Somehow, that’s worse. That’s
definitely worse.

Kat and Mikey LAUGH.


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